in my head, from my heart

MY OPRAH DREAM!

2009-11-27T00:31:00.000-08:00

Of course, with me being on the island of Jamaica and never having any real contact with her at all, there is no way Oprah could have known that her announcement about ending her talk show has forced me to accelerate and even more fiercely affirm a dream, affirmation of mine: I am going to co-host the Oprah show with Oprah for a week. This week is going to start with her interviewing me and explaining the upcoming week and my being her co-host. There...I said/wrote it! I've never said this out loud or claimed. Oprah has forced my hand! Hee hee! I feel nervous, kinda silly...but really alive and positive about expressing this dream.

I sent the suggestion of focus for the show, a focus on Jamaica & 'Brand Jamaica'. I laid out possible interviews etc, with me as her co-host. I suggested she do this in Jamaica. No response yet, of course, but that was when I assumed this dream could stay safely hidden, whispering only to me and making me smile sheepishly. not any more...I'm putting it out there, naming it, claiming it:

BETWEEN NOW AND THE AIRING OF HER FINAL SHOW, I AM GOING TO CO-HOST WITH OPRAH FOR A WEEK!

ALIGN YOUR CUP!

2009-11-27T00:12:00.000-08:00

I’ve spent this whole week being moved and feeling blessed by my pastor Rev. Sheila McKeithen's simple analogy: the blessings & prosperity from the Source are constantly being poured; all we have to do is make sure we have our cups, receptacles and hearts aligned and open!

LISTENING TO 'I LOOK TO YOU'

2009-11-21T22:00:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying that I’m a huge fan of Whitney Houston. She is one of the truly talented singers of our time, and I continue to lament her unraveling and descent. I still maintain that her first album is the best debut album I’ve ever heard.

I waited for the release of her new ‘comeback’ CD with pointed curiosity and mild hope. ‘I Look to You’ has not given me cause for celebration. I hear all these people saying she’s back with a bang and sounding great…..this is the only song I’ve heard on the CD and I’m disappointed and saddened.

Does anybody else hear on reserved, tentative, uncertain and unseasoned she sounds? There are soothing remnants of her former soulful glory, but the flame flickers weakly. I mean this is Whitney, Princess of the swelling anthem-like ballad and life-song! ‘I Look To You’ simmers, but never boils; instead it moves modesty (just above ordinary) to an anti-climactic ending. It seems clear that Sister Whitney is unable to hit those notes, sustains those riffs and belt us to a satisfied frenzy the way she used to. Understand clearly, I’m not celebrating…I’m heartbroken. I wanted her to have kick-ass comeback.

I hear she suffered a glaring voice-cracking snag on the Today show. I’m glad I didn’t see it and don’t think I want to. Here’s what I say: Whitney and her management should rethink their strategy. Folks will buy the CD in droves out of love, loyalty, yearning and plain curiosity. Be satisfied with that and don’t do any more live performances until she is in good/better voice. Her present raspiness, cracking and lame excuses (‘I was talking/being interviewed with/by Oprah for long time yesterday’) is what people will remember and not the significance of the triumph of this CD even being released after what she has survived.

That’s my 2 cents!

P.S. Heard another track after writing this. No reason to change a word….

success & happiness

2009-11-21T17:53:00.000-08:00

success and happiness are the best revenge!!

be happy

2009-11-21T17:49:00.000-08:00

I honestly believe that life is too short not to try to be as happy as possible, as often and consistently as possible!

(c)fabian thomas

my mantra

2009-11-16T22:05:00.001-08:00

"be bold, extraordinary & unapologetically successful. live out loud, laugh a lot, love fiercely & dance often!" (c)fabian thomas

CADILLAC RECORDS: WELL WORTH A LOOK & A LISTEN

2009-10-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

Cadillac Records is a revelatory foray into the period of American music when ‘race’ records were being made, concerts were segregated and when the blues ruled, before ushering in the age of rock & roll. It shows the struggles, challenges and travails of racism, exploitation, celebrity excesses, drugs/alcohol dependency, personal pain and human frailty. It also reveals the power of friendship and the trials of love. Executive Producer Beyonce (yes, as in Knowles) must be commended for bringing this important bio-pic to life. I’m not sure it redeems her from unleashing the hopelessly mediocre ‘Obsessed’ on the world but it’s a start!

Cadillac Records is an intriguing, engaging and moving exploration of the lives and work of Muddy Waters, Little Walter, Howlin’ Wolf, Chuck Berry and the incendiary Etta James, as brought together under the umbrella of Leonard Chess’ Chess Records. Using the technique of narration/storytelling the movie beautifully and humanely captures the ethos, ecstasy and pain of this watermark period in American Pop Culture. The script, commendably, does water-down the tale or seek to sanctify any of the real-life characters, it simply tells their collective story, with glimpses into their individual lives. The result is a joyous, powerful, often painful journey, sweetened with great music. Thankfully, after going through these trials, all these pioneers have been inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

Darnell Martin’s well-crafted and deftly directed script is marvelously enriched by a wonderful cast. Muddy Waters is masterfully played by one of my favourite underrated actors Jeffrey Wright. He is a joy to watch; his performance was detailed, measured and delivered with evocative restraint. Wright is ably partnered with Adrien Brody in a richly textured portrayal as music producer and visionary Leonard Chess. Beyonce is actually quite good as Etta James. She is not anywhere near as magnificent or larger than life as Etta, but she was gritty and credible and held her own on Etta’s unforgettable gut-wrenching life-songs. Gabrielle Union turns in a solid and eloquent performance as Muddy Waters’ lover/partner Geneva. The charming and effusive Mos Def is delightful as Chuck Berry.
My two favourite performances come from another of my favourite underrated actors Columbus Short and the imposing Eamonn Walker. Short’s magnificent, seething and screen-filling romp as Little Walter is enough to warrant a film of its own, while Walker in the much smaller role of the smoldering Howlin’ Wolf is absolutely riveting! The cast is rounded out by Cedric the Entertainer as the narrator songwriter/lyricist Willie Dixon.

It would be remiss of me not to mention that this movie is also replete with great music.

Cadillac Records is well worth seeing…in fact, I highly recommend it!!

fighting to remain centred....

2009-09-19T21:04:00.001-07:00

funny how some things
play with
stir up
incite
other shit....

so being unemployed
broke
is enough to
unsettle
shackle
dismantle
one's ense of self
security
purpose

enter stage right
feelings about
your self-worth
importance
your weight
being single
being lonely
alone

intensely aware of my isolation
i struggle
to remain
grounded
centred
feel whole
sexy
signifucant
important
powerful
useful
loved

i miss
my circle of friends
who are like family
in new york
where the laughs were loud
the love was deep deep
consistent
all-encompassing
and mine

for now
i'll hold on to
memories
faith
music
words
jerking off
maybe reach out
but definitely
hold on
until
this passes....

and it will.

as i go into 2009

2009-09-19T21:00:00.001-07:00

as i go into 2009
i have realized that i need to regroup
retrace my steps
reconnect with my true friends
who are few
i will no longer long to be accepted into
circles where i do not fit
and am not wanted
i must stop wasting my hopes & invitations
on so-called colleagues & supporters
who don't show up

i will no longer wait
to lose this weight
really feel comfortable in my skin
i must unfetter
my spirit
my soul
i want to
plan to flirt
date
laugh
fuck
make love
maybe even be in a relationship

i'm going to always stay connected
with the real true friends
with whom i have been blessed
hold them close to my soul
defeat distance, space and time
those on this plain with me:
allen, wesley, gerard, rodryck, raquel, michael, bobby, alton, nere, makeda, jacqui
and the ones who have left me:
jaysane, richard...roger, where are you?

i am going to open my heart
let light and love in and out
open my mouth
sing, laugh, cry, speak
pick up my pen
write it
tell it
talk di tings

i am going to
"be bold, extraordinary & unapologetically successful. live out loud, laugh a lot, love fiercely & dance often!"
(c) fabian m. thomas

RETREAT

2009-09-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

RETREAT

Recently
I realized
That I have retreated
Retreated into myself
Sought refuge
And solace
In the folds
Of my own flesh
Ever expanding
Caverns for me to
Hide in

I have become invisible
Invisible
An irony
Since there is so much
Of me to see
But believe me
I am invisible
Untraceable
Undetectable
To the radars
Of desirability
Dateability
Sexiness

I have moved into
The house of loneliness
Taken tenancy in one
Of it’s many rooms
Isolation
Has seeped into my skin
Poured into my pores
Coloured my complexion
Smothered my smile
Hardened like calcium
Under my nails
But understand this

I remain social
Sociable
I vary my void
With activity
Wafts of warmth
Flickers of friendship
Sparks of sex
Iotas of inclusion
That alleviate
Ameliorate
Appease
Anoint
Then….fade

Fade to…..

Segue into a new frame
I want to escape
I have given notice
To isolation
Stopped paying
Loneliness’ rent
I will emerge
From the recesses
Of self-induced
Retreat
I am going to love
My body
Reshape it
For me
In my own time
And love it
Love hard and strong
Fuck a six-pack
Happiness
And thinness
Are not synonyms

I will rejoice
Revel
In my being
My body
I’m going to
Flirt
Date
Fuck
Make love
Maybe even
Fall in love
Affirm that I deserve
To be loved
I will only share
My heart with those who
Want and deserve this gift

‘cause baby I am a gift
My kisses come from my soul
Deep and long and bold
I believe in the power
Of love
The joy of sex
If I give you some
You will be blessed
And I expect to be blessed as well
I believe that making love
Having sex
Is about us
Not me or you
And yes if I come first
I’ll do my best
To ensure that you come too

Loneliness be damned
Isolation left behind
No more self-loathing
I am escaping
To limitless possibilities
Unmitigated joy
Love unequivocal
Peace indestructible
Freedom unfettered….

Fabian Thomas
January 16, 2009

VIOLA DAVIS' SHOW-STEALING SCENE IN 'DOUBT'

2009-09-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I went to see 'Doubt' with my sisters and a friend today. the movie is great, Meryl Streep is incredible, and is more than ably supported in her excellence by Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams. but what truly resonated and stirred me was an amazing cameo-like appearance by Viola Davis as the mother of the african-american boy who Meryl Streep's character believes is being molested by Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

In addition to the sheer briliance, depth and power of Davis' performance, my chest constricted and tears washed my cheeks as i wondered how many other mothers have had this exact struggle and challenge: who simply yearn for someone, almost anyone who will love, be gentle with, support their gay child/son (even if it is a priest who may be violating him). in the face of his father's physical abuse, and possibility of killing his own son because of his 'nature', this woman came to the conclusion that this priest's alleged molestation of her child was the lesser of two evils (plus, it was "just until June"). i sat there trying to steel myself, but the emotion, pain and tears refused to be confined and had their way, they welled up and spilled over.....it was a cathartic release.

In the midst of the newest 'gays as pariahs and source of all evil' distraction that is raging in jamaica....the simple, painful struggles of gay children, adults and their families are lost, drowned out and shrouded...again....i thank Viola Davis and playwright/screenwriter/director Patrick John Shanley for this lucid and plaintive reminder.....

P.S. Viola Davis has copped a much-deserved Oscar nomination for her performance

artistic catharsis

2009-09-19T20:45:00.001-07:00

Friday, February 27, 2009 at 7:37am

last night i choreographed an interpretive piece to be performed this sunday by one of my favourite people in the world. the process was pleasant, quick, satisfying, certain, uplifting, reassuring and healing.

we both talked about the amazing power of artistic creation and performing, the almost mythical power and force of taking music, words, emotions, moods, moments, characters and breathing, squeezing, moulding, mouthing, massaging life, energy and form into them....as the creative process brings forth this new form, we bring forth a new part of us, an extension of our humanity and vison, we reshape and heal ourselves and hopefully move, touch and heal others.

the cathartic power of art, artistic creation and performing is monumental and magnificent!!

ROOTS:2009

2009-09-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

As I shared on my Facebook status a few weeks ago, I watched Alex Haley’s ROOTS for the first time. I’m still caught up in the magnificence of this remarkable piece of work. What an audacious, wonderful, life-affirming gift!!!
I have to say, I’m actually glad I didn’t see it when it aired in 1977, I would not have appreciated the many facets of this historical and artistic tour de force. All told, ROOTS is a reminder to never forget who we are, where we come from and the significance of our oral traditions.
I’m more than familiar with the innards of the horrendous institution of slavery, but ROOTS still struck a deep, powerful and cathartic chord, in fact several, at the core of my being. In addition to the inspiring and moving story of how Alex Haley came to write this tale, the boldness and commitment of the producers, directors, script writers, crew and network executives, the stunning work by the cast, I am in awe at the effect and response the show elicited when it was first aired. What a blessing to be part of such a powerful, life-changing project! It certainly reaffirmed my commitment to transformational performing arts and the importance of telling our stories.
I watched the entire series in 2 sittings. Then I rewatched it, listening to the commentary, including the additional anniversary DVD. I was, and am, transfixed and transported. The series moved along briskly, covering 4 generations and capturing some of the most moving and credible performances. I went through a gamut of emotions and responses: interest, elation, anger, revulsion, pain, laughter, grief, abject despair, soul-stirring joy, celebration and all-encompassing pride. I really wish Alex Haley was alive so I could thank him. This quiet, powerful man told a story, offered us a window into his life and history and left an indelible mark on the world. He is definitely one of my heroes.
Words aren’t enough to acknowledge and thank the expansive cast that took on this task. Of course, it was an extra special treat to see the amazing array of African-American/Caribbean acting royalty in one programme. I have to single out a few people: Ed Asner, Robert Reed and Sandy Duncan were great, the iconic Cicely Tyson was radiant and real as Binta Kinte, Richard Roundtree gave a surprisingly sparkling and touching performance as Sam, Olivia Cole was marvelous as Matilda, Georg Stanford Brown consummately captured the character Tom, Leslie Uggams was fiery fabulous as Kizzy, John Amos was solid, stately and spot-on as the adult Kunta Kinte, Ben Vereen lit up the screen as Chicken George, the then 19 year old newcomer LeVar Burton was luminous and exceptionally expressive as young Kunta (I’d love to meet him, I am struck and moved by his energy, aura and spirit) and our own Madge Sinclair was absolutely magnificent as Bell (I wish I had met her before she died). The performance of the whole show was Louis Gossett as Fiddler…..I’m getting goose bumps and teary-eyed just from typing this. What a stunning, flawless, nuanced and controlled crafting of the wonderful character!! What a gift! Thank you Mr. Gossett (I hope I get to hold his hand and thank him face to face one day!)
The final thought I have is that in the many places where I cried silently, sobbed audibly, smiled broadly and sighed it was as a result of the grace, nobility, reverence, truth and love with which this epic was presented.

I am forever changed……ROOTED.

LISTENING TO 'I LOOK TO YOU'

2009-09-17T03:12:00.000-07:00

CALABASH '09 CANCELLED: WHAT CAN WE DO?

2009-03-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

I’m slowly emerging from the sense of numbness & fatigue that beset me when I heard about the cancellation, then got confirmation. The question reverberating in my brain was: What can we do?? We definitely need to let our voices be heard, write cheques if we can (or even drop coins), knock on the doors of possible sponsors, write letters, poems, rants, call talk shows and talk di tings dem!!

I am also clear and convinced that something has to happen, an event or 2 or 3 must take place in Treasure Beach during Calabash time…..we simply cannot, must not take this laying down, lick our wounds and not make our planned trips to Treasure Beach, cancel our reservations and flight plans, and possibly send Treasure Beach into a major downward spiral…too much is at stake here: our creativity, our voices, our words, our minds, the sustenance of a space, vibe, experience that so many of us have come to ‘treasure’.

Kwame, Justine & Colin had the idea, gumption and guts to bring this audacious Jamaican International Literary Festival to life and those of us who have become loving godparents must step up. I want to find out, and will, from Kwame, Justine & Colin what is possible, what can be salvaged…..a scaled-down version, a Jamaican version, some special events/guests.

I don’t know about anybody else, but I am going to Treasure Beach as planned and I’m prepared to sit on a beach, under a tree and listen to words that move, inspire, uplift, irritate, frighten and heal me……I’d love to utter some words of my own, but some semblance of Calabash or a distant cousin MUST happen.

While we are there or after we can plan and commit to how we will support Calabash from here on in so this never happens again….

as i go into 2009

2009-02-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

as i go into 2009

i have realized that i need to regroup

retrace my steps

reconnect with my true friends

who are few

i will no longer long to be accepted into

circles where i do not fit

and am not wanted

i must stop wasting my hopes & invitations

on so-called colleagues & supporters

who don't show up

i will no longer wait

to lose this weight

really feel comfortable in my skin

i must unfetter

my spirit

my soul

i want to

plan to flirt

date

laugh

fuck

make love

maybe even be in a relationship

i'm going to always stay connected

with the real true friends

with whom i have been blessed

hold them close to my soul

defeat distance, space and time

those on this plain with me:

allen, wesley, gerard, rodryck, raquel, michael, bobby, alton, nere, makeda

and the ones who have left me:

jaysane, richard...roger, where are you?

i am going to open my heart

let light in and out

open my mouth

sing, laugh, cry, speak

pick up my pen

write it

tell it

talk di tings

i am going to

"be bold, extraordinary & unapologetically successful. live out loud, laugh a lot, love fiercely & dance often!"

LABOUR (a working title)

2008-09-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

i've been wrestling with thoughts and words, phrases and pictures in head....trying to wrap my head around the reality of dismembered children and the reality of it happening in jamaica, more than once, in quick succession......i know i have to write it down tell it, rant....but this birthing of distress is not yet fully dilated.....i wait, in labour, patiently, each contraction more painful than the last, and i wait, to give birth to this tightening in my chest, heaviness in my soul...i wait...i wait...will the words, poem, rant, come before the next child dies?

TVJ(oke)

2008-09-22T13:59:00.000-07:00

**So I was watching TVJ on Friday night and they broadcast an episode of one of my favourite shows, Girlfriends. The episode was preceded with the usual PG rating announcement and visual. I’m such a fan, that even though I had seen this episode before, I settled in to watch it again.
The episode included the subplot of a Japanese woman in the restaurant where Lynn worked being a source of interest for William, we later discover that she’s in fact a lesbian and attracted to Lynn. To my bemusement, every time there was dialogue that related to her attraction to Lynn, the sound was muted. This was also the case when the spurned William mischievously advised the woman to roughly squeeze Lynn’s breasts as a way of revealing her feelings. Later, when she followed Williams’ instructions the TVJ logo was flashed on the screen until the moment ended, and again much of the dialogue was muted. The screen was also blacked out again at the end when Lynn takes her revenge by telling a gay man to make a physical advance to William.

I became distracted at this point by the ridiculousness of these efforts, and the inherent hypocrisy. Was the lesbian storyline the issue? Were the mutings and blacking out of images supposed to make people feel less offended? Perhaps it would have been easier to simply not show it. The blatant hypocrisy is that TVJ transmits far worse images in the videos and music it broadcasts, as well as some of the movies and other series it shows repeatedly and consistently.

But then I reminded myself of what else is commonplace in my country: schoolchildren are having sex on teachers’ desks, in taxis, and under stairs while their classmates watch and record, but our Minister of Education insists that condoms being issued in schools is not the way to go; our dancehall entertainers can sing the most lurid and vulgar songs about sex, infidelity, multiple partners, killing gays and lesbians, but are arrested only when they use ‘indecent language’ on stage; many of our radio stations blast vulgar and adult lyrics on the air with the ridiculous band aid of bleeps that most often don’t work; where is the Broadcasting Commission in all of this? And, of course, there’s my favourite: “NOT IN MY CABINET!” Jamaica, Jamaica, Jamaica Land We Love……**

ABENG IN BEIJING

2008-09-02T17:52:00.000-07:00

Abeng in Beijing
By fabian thomas

Like
Lightning-lit
Torrential rain
Usain
Bolted
Ahead of the world
From Sherwood, Trelawny
This 6' 5" sprint anomaly
Stamped his sunshine-bred supremacy
Shattering red, white & blue ascendancy
It was bound to spark controversy
An some almhouse chat from the IOC
Oh I see
The real issue is
How dare he?
Dis lickle black bwoy
From di land of wood & wata
Him too outta arda
They hoped he would falter
Now dem waan test wi yam an cassava

Like lightning-lit
Torrential rain
Usain
Took it to dem
Then danced barefoot
While the world watched
He danced for us
In a language they did not understand
Like the abeng of old
They could not decode
Bad min a go meck
Some a dem explode
Oh say can you see?
Dem cyan chat to wi
Did you see the untied lace?
Dem a go tiyad fi si Usain face
Hol' on, my bad
Let me correct what I said
Dem a ago tiyad fi si
Di back a Usain head!

23/8/08

closure

2008-08-13T14:37:00.000-07:00

do not seek
expect
apologies
closure
from others
it may never come...

then what?

giving thanks

2008-08-13T14:26:00.000-07:00

so today, after almost 3 months of being unemployed, i was at my lowest ebb....rent due, no idea where i'm finding the balance, getting cabin fever from being at home, feeling useless and worthless, struggling to stay positive and hopeful. my sister christina, after trying to encourage me, simply said she's be positive for me....this struck a chord in my heart. i began to ponder the nature of love, the reality of life and the journey it entails, the people who come into your life to stay, weather the storms and hang tough.....i started to give thanks...again.

then my phone rang....had to go through some gymnastics to respond since my cell phone was acting up...finally contacted the caller and was offered a ob i had interviewed for a month ago....all i could think was: THANK YOU!!